A Conversation with Fat Brain

Woke up this morning to grey skies...but at least, NO SNOW (YAY!).
 

Hubby and I went through our usual routines...he made his lunch (God bless him) while I fed the cats...and Fat Brain (hereinafter referred to as "FB" for short) started in....

"UGH...it's Wednesday...that means Spinning class....I don't WANNA do Spinning today...I've been working out SO HARD lately...can't I like, take a day OFF?" 
  ME: "No, you may NOT take a day off, you missed enough Spinning classes when it snowed or due to holidays, remember? Besides you're kicking it up a notch this week with exercise! You're doing GREAT! You did an extra hour yesterday (Zumba) and you pushed it through CXWorx on Monday, too (extra 30 minutes). STOP WHINING".

Got my Breakfast ready....and once again,
FB: "Why do I have to eat MF cereal AGAIN?  Man, I'm so TIRED of MF cereal! I don't care, berry, cinnamon brown sugar, blech, I don't WANT IT. I want something DIFFERENT. What about that Fiber One CHOCOLATE cereal you bought? Have THAT!"
   ME: "No, you NEED the MF cereal and you KNOW it! It's got WAY more protein and vitamins than the stupid Fiber one. And besides, you LIKE IT! What are you complaining about? It keeps us slim. Shut up and eat your cereal!"

Logged onto my computer to check email, busy busy so much to do, play catch up, OK get my email cleaned up (at least for now)....gotta get going, gotta get there an hour ahead of time to sign up or you don't get IN...get dressed, get out the door:
FB: "This SUCKS. What am I gonna do, SIT THERE for an hour? Drink coffee?"
   ME: "No, you can check your email again when you get to the gym! Besides, bring that pad and pen and you can work on your blog, too. Lots of great ideas in my head this morning! Shut up and get dressed...you'll be FINE."

Got to the gym, signed up for the class (hmm....busy today...there's already 6 people signed up!)...went into the Spinning room to get my bike ready and 'reserve' it (by putting my water bottle and towel on it...that's what we all do)...and DAMN, my favorite bike is TAKEN!  There's a TOWEL on it!
FB: "Oh man...!  Maybe someone just left it there by accident. Take it off, no one will notice....that's your favorite bike! If you don't use that bike you won't be able to get through it!"
   ME: "Oh no you don't....that's RUDE! Someone put it there to reserve it and you KNOW it! Pick another bike...that one right behind it...that'll do...." 
Then I struggled to adjust the seat and handlebars (it's got settings on it and can be tough to manipulate....it gets really super-tight...sometimes I have to even ask for help!) ... and FB would NOT shut up "This isn't FAIR! I have to jimmy this seat...I CANNOT DO IT...I'm going to look like an idiot, standing here trying to adjust the stupid thing...I'm too weak, I can't do it"
   ME: "YES YOU CAN....Persist...take a deep breath....just push and pull at the same time...YES! You got it!"
OK, set myself up....WHEW...ready....now I can relax for a bit.

Went out to the lounge area, checked my email, had a cup of coffee. And the time FLEW by. I looked up, and holy crap it's 9 am (she starts ON THE DOT at 9:15....)...gotta get going and get warmed up!

Get into Spinning class. Warmed up....ready...waiting to see who's going to be in that bike in front of me, my 'usual' bike.

Oh crap. Look at her! It's a young blonde...maybe 28 if she is a day...SUPER SKINNY, pair of shorts, sports bra....beautiful blonde braid halfway down her back.

FB: "LOOK AT HER. You'll NEVER look like that. Why do you BOTHER, anyway? I mean LOOK at yourself. Your hair is a mess, just piled on your head with a clip, you can't wear shorty-shorts like that -- well you COULD but you'd FREEZE to death -- and don't even get me started on that little tank top and sports bra. A cotton t shirt is the best you can do! Well, at least I have leggings on...with my big ole size 11 feet and my thick white anklets (because I can't go without socks, my feet sweat! LOL)...OMG I look so STUPID!"
   ME:  "SHUT UP already. It doesn't matter what I look like. All that matters is, I'm HERE. I'm ready to work out and I'm gonna DO this thingee. I can do this! Give yourself CREDIT for showing up for pete's sakes! And STOP COMPARING, already. That girl is a good 30 years younger than you. And what was it your trainer said the other day? She said she has people in their 30s that can't do some of the exercises YOU can do at age 58! So be PROUD of yourself! You've come so incredibly FAR....just by taking baby-steps, over and over again...every day. You should be PROUD of yourself instead of constantly down on yourself all the time!"

The instructor showed up and we started our workout. As usual it was grueling. At least once during every workout, I actually push myself so far that I get frightened that I won't be able to recover...that I'll NEVER be able to catch my breath. This always scares the LIFE out of me and I tell myself to slow DOWN already, I haven't been doing this for years like the instructor (and half the class) has, and I reduce the tension on the bike and relax a bit and catch my breath and it's OK.
If I don't keep up with the class 100% of the time, at least I'm with them 90% of the time, right? The important thing is I GET THROUGH IT. And I remember, all too well, my first foray into Spinning two year ago, when I couldn't even get through the first 20 minutes! 
So it's all RELATIVE. I have only MYSELF to compete with, after all.

At one point, I swear to you, my EYELIDS were sweating. And I looked up at the young thing in front of me....(by this time I was like, DRIPPING)....and she was NOT SWEATING!

....Well, OK, she was sweating a LITTLE...but not much. No way. Her tank top remained perfectly dry. And she wasn't gasping for breath like I was. In fact she looked....BORED...! with the whole thing! And FB started in again:
FB: "LOOK AT HER. She doesn't even SWEAT. And look at YOU! You are so pitifully OUT OF SHAPE. And OK, she's younger than you...which is all YOUR FAULT, you ATE your way through your 30s and 40s and look at all the damage you did (so I have NO IDEA why you even bother;  based on your past, for pete's sakes...). 
Plus it's NOT FAIR! It's not fair that you're sweating like a pig and she isn't. Whoever heard of their EYELIDS sweating? That's gotta be, like, WRONG...bottom line, it's NOT FAIR and you shouldn't even TRY anymore. Who do you think you're fooling? You're 58 years old and you'll NEVER look like that, so WHY BOTHER? Your husband loves you regardless, so why are you DOING this to yourself?"
   ME:  "OMG will you give it a REST already? She's in her 20s, that's why she's not sweating....she's probably USED to it...she probably is one of those that takes like, 4 or 5 spinning classes a WEEK! Come to think of it, I've never seen her in any of the other classes....so this is like, ALL she's doing...whereas I'm getting all kinds of variety! PLUS...the fact that she ISN'T sweating means she isn't working out hard enough...whereas YOU ARE. BIGTIME.  Again, it's all relative! You are working out to your capacity and BEYOND...whereas she's barely challenging herself! So which of the two of you will gain in strength and flexibility and muscle tone and everything ELSE from this workout? YOU WILL!"

Got through Spinning class...the instructor goes, "Don't diet and work out....EAT and TRAIN!"

Hmmm......what is that supposed to mean? Oh, I get it, don't diet....yeah, RIGHT....look at her! She's like, SUPER SKINNY. She doesn't HAVE to diet! She's a normal eater! She has NO IDEA what it's like to be a food addict.

You can't tell a food addict to 'EAT'. They WILL ..... to excess!  It's like giving permission....the floodgates will open and we don't know when to STOP, right? 

On the other hand...it DOES give serious credence to what I've been saying all along...EAT THAT EXTRA 2 OZ OF LEAN if you're working out hard. It's important. Your body NEEDS the extra protein. And as krazy as this sounds, not only WON'T you gain weight, but if you truly ARE working out pretty hard and you truly ARE using "only" a few ounces extra protein...you will lose MORE weight, not less!

People on the exercise forum have verified this! I am NOT alone.

Of course there are always those who 'insist' that working out makes the scale STOP moving, but they aren't taking into account that all-important water+glycogen retention thing immediately after a hard workout (which drains the next day, PROVIDED you aren't hopping on and off the scale every 5 minutes)....AND the fact that you're building nice lean muscle which means your body is SHRINKING (check your jeans!) while the scale MAY be (temporarily) staying the same or even going up. 

It all works out in the end. And my feeling is, the STRESS RELIEF alone that I get from exercise is worth it.

Otherwise? I can eat myself into a COMA.

One last thing the instructor said on the way out.

"100 days till Summer!"

Hmm....really? WOW!  Well, look at it this way. This was a great start, wasn't it? I'm getting leaner and stronger every day...pushing my limits, yes, 'training' my body...and staying OP (my food plan) at the same time. And there's truly NOTHING BETTER. I'm eating right, I'm exercising, I'm doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS to have the best damn body I possibly can come swimsuit season.

OOPS...thought FB went away but she's back:
FB: "Yeah, RIGHT...'swimsuit season'....you can't even wear a TWO PIECE because you have STRETCH MARKS all over your stomach. And that's because you took too darn long to get to this program, you wasted too many years just OVEREATING and being LAZY and look what you've done to your body. You've done PERMANENT DAMAGE and you'll NEVER look the way you wanna look...so why bother? You might as well GIVE UP and go home and eat whatever you want. After all, she SAID "Don't diet...EAT!"
   ME: "Shoot...I thought I was able to blow by that remark of hers...but you pounced on it, didn't you? I knew you would. Listen, SHE is not a FOOD ADDICT.  YOU, my dear, ARE. There's a HUGE difference.  That girl can eat whatever she wants because she has an internal system that gets her to STOP eating when she's full. But YOU? You don't know the meaning of full! You just keep EATING!  You are a food addict and there's no cure, there's just MANAGEMENT....which means you NEED to watch what you eat. You can't just wily-nily eat whatever you want. 
And regarding a swimsuit? SO WHAT? I'll find a really SEXY one piece! I don't have to wear a bikini, for pete's sakes."

Anyway.....finally got done with Spinning, collected my things, drank a ton of water, and went home.

Here's the thing.

That conversation with Fat Brain?

That conversation takes place ALL DAY LONG. I just gave you a brief excerpt!  Sometimes she's a little quieter (especially if I'm busy), and sometimes she's even LOUDER....(depending on what's happening in my life)...but she's always there, in the background, making comments.

The SECRET is, I've learned I am NOT 'her'. I am stronger than her, I am smarter than her, and I KNOW BETTER.

So YES, I talk back (in my head). YES, I laugh at her ridiculous illogic sometimes. YES, I poke holes in her arguments.

I HAVE TO!

It's the only way to stay OP. Separating her 'fictions' from the FACTS are what gave me the mojo to get to goal, and I continue to work on doing that, because it KEEPS me at goal.

If I were to listen to her? She'd run rampant over me and I'd be diving into the sludge in 10 minutes flat.

And here's the thing. It feels SO WONDERFUL...so absolutely fang-dang FABULOUS...to be able to 'talk back' to her and to put my foot down and NOT do what she's urging me to do.

It feels SPECTACULAR to know that she is NOT in charge, -I- am, and -I- can make the right choices, every single day, multiple times a day, over and over and over and over and over and over again.

I pray that I'll ALWAYS be able to make the right choices...but I'm also realistic enough to realize and understand that I'm HUMAN, and I -will- make mistakes.  And when I do? To gird my strength...(because this is the hardest part of all)...and GET BACK ON MY FEET...GET BACK OP the very next day...and not 'put it off' because "You blew it now, might as well eat what you want" (oh, the damage that ONE SENTENCE has done!!!!) 

Today, just for today, I challenge you to LISTEN for Fat Brain....and QUESTION -everything-!!! she says to you. Because she doesn't "know better". All she wants is the 'easy out'. The way you were BEFORE. She is NOT on your side.

But THANKFULLY we have TWO SIDES to our brains....we also have the ADULT, INTELLIGENT side. And she knows better...she can argue with FB, she can tell you the TRUTH, and if you give HER room to talk, and start LISTENING to her....and pushing FB aside for a bit .... you will find yourself trying things you never in a million years thought you could try...doing things you never DREAMED you could do...pushing yourself to points you swore you would NEVER ever reach.

LISTEN to your adult side...have her 'counter' FB....and then stand back and smile. The bottom line is YOU are in control....FB can whine all she likes but that doesn't mean she'll get her way, does it?

Pay attention to what your Fat Brain has to say today...but don't FALL for it. Remember that she is lazy, she is weak, she is a procrastinator, she is illogical, she is the OLD YOU and your goal here is to change into the NEW YOU.

Good luck, and KEEP ON!

--
Linda

Linda Leiby
"You can DO this!"
Take Shape for Life Health Coach
For Orders:  Catlover77.tsfl.com
My Blogs:  www.lincoach.blogspot.com

Linda's Lovely Losers (clients only):
https://www.facebook.com/groups/lindaslovelylosers/