Which is the REAL "Me"?

Last night I started to think back to one of my slip-ups, and I thought 'Maybe I'm just fooling myself here. Maybe I'm just a FAT WOMAN in a slim woman's body now and I'm struggling to get back OUT and this is all a pipe dream'.


Of course that was Fat Brain talking....I knew it...and I knew I shouldn't listen to her. But she was making a pretty persuasive argument. After all, I DO still think about overeating under certain circumstances. It IS still all-too-easy to fall back into my old ways, especially with the long Winter droning on and everyone else hibernating and all the goodies I can no longer have....sigh....

But wait a minute. What about what I wanted?

I don't WANT to be that fat woman anymore! DH scanned some old pictures of me into the computer and he displayed them on the (wide-screen) TV....and ... HORRORS...I couldn't even LOOK at some of the pictures taken of myself when I was at my heaviest. I was smiling in all the pictures, but it was a fake smile, it was an 'OK I'll get this over with' smile...it wasn't my true self. I wasn't proud of myself at ALL. Not of anything I'd done. It didn't matter if I was intelligent or had college degrees or a great career or the world's nicest home and most wonderful husband and family....all that I could ever think about was how my thighs rubbed together when I walked down the hallway. How climbing stairs was a NIGHTMARE. How any chair I went to sit in had to be carefully assessed to see if it would hold my weight.

Maybe inside, there still are vestiges of that person....that woman who cried "I give up!" and sank into the nearest vat of triple-fudge ice cream. But INSIDE that FAT PERSON....was a SLIM woman DYING to get out!

To be ... sexy again! To wear nice clothes! To be PROUD of the way she looked!

And here I am. And yet....am I still fighting my own self-image?

Maybe in some ways I am. It takes awhile to reconcile what you see in the mirror with what you feel inside. And it takes even longer, I think, to truly and deeply ACCEPT that this is the way your life is going to be....that you are making the conscious CHOICE, every single day, to choose the healthier alternatives in what you put into your body versus the 'easy' way, the 'quick hit' of sugar/fat/carbs that used to drive you all the time.

I think it's an ongoing process...and I'm not there yet. But I'm hopeful. Because last night I realized that I don't CARE about that fat woman anymore. She ISN'T the 'true' me. The true me CARES about what I feed my body now. The true me wants the BEST for myself, not the 'dregs' of life. The true me refuses to treat myself like a human garbage can anymore. I take the time to make healthy, delicious meals because I'm WORTH IT. I spend the money on vegetables and good lean protein because I DESERVE IT.

And when this Spring and Summer comes, I want to be able to SHINE in my new slim body and be proud of having gotten through my first Winter WITHOUT gaining....10, 15, 20 or more pounds. Without saying, "I have to diet again, it's almost bathing suit season!"

Actually the truth is, I have to SHOP for a new bathing suit, because the one I bought last year was falling OFF me! And I've learned my lesson.....a one-piece slinky suit will be just fine, thank you, I don't NEED to wear a bikini again (LOL).

Keep on keepin on!