Things I've Learned

I started MF in Feb. 2012, and made goal in July 2013. For the first year or so I was able to maintain that weight loss, but eventually I had this 'Is that all there is?' feeling....like suddenly I realized my life wasn't perfect, and was it WORTH it to forego all the wonderful foods everyone ELSE got to eat?

So I started 'experimenting' with eating sludge. Small amounts, but enough to kick off the food addiction so that I eventually fell into a binge/diet/binge/diet cycle. Of course that's no way to live, and it led to regaining enough weight that I had to finally take stock and get back on the 5&1 to get my head straight again.

I had made it to goal by telling myself I 'could' eat the sludge 'someday'. And now that 'someday' was here, and I ate sugar and junk food.... it was like an 'ON' switch that I couldn't turn off!

I was furious with myself, and the madder I got, the harder on myself I became.
And the harder on myself I was, the more I wanted to throw it all away and just EAT....

All that tension creates a not-so-fun environment in your head.
I realized that certain foods -- sugary desserts, junk food etc. -- would ALWAYS have to be off limits for me, because I couldn't limit it. I would start eating and not be able to stop. If I was eating in public I could 'look' normal, but in the privacy of my own home, or late at night, I found myself bingeing.

I was at war with myself.

I realized that making goal was just the beginning. It wasn't the 'end', instead it was a continuation of a long learning process that began on February 22, 2012 and continues to this day.

So I've crystallized some of the biggest lessons I've learned, and I share them in the hopes that maybe you can see yourself in some of these, and that maybe - just maybe - you can learn from my experience.

1. The 5&1 program is THE BEST EVER to get the weight off and control my eating. Hands down. The meals are perfectly balanced, contain enough protein that I'm not hungry, and I like the taste of most of them. So I'll never be a fan of the sloppy joe or the beef stew....that's OK. I have enough favorites out of the 70+ meals that I can live quite comfortably on them for as long as necessary.

2. I will NEVER be a 'normal' eater, and...THAT'S OK! It's not the end of the world. I'm not a freak, I just have a food addiction and a binge eating problem, that's all. I don't have to strive to be able to eat 'anything' in 'moderation'. Moderation is something that I have to weigh and measure carefully because it doesn't come naturally to me like it does for thin people. And again, THAT'S OK.

3. Trigger foods can and do happen...they can creep up on you, and there are no 'rules' about what they can be. A trigger food doesn't have to be sludge, it can be a MF meal! ANY food that I find myself eating more than I should is a trigger food. Over the course of this program, I've had many triggers and with each one, I had to recognize that they were triggers, and then battle with myself to ELIMINATE them from my life completely. But I know now that ANY food that I find myself thinking about a lot, or craving, or buying in mass quantities, or eating multiples of......is a trigger food. And it has to go. Period.

4. Exercise is a blessing....but I CAN overdo. I can get into a mindset that if one exercise class is good, two must be even better....and then I get so exhausted and in so much pain and soreness that... I need to soothe myself, I need to make it all better....and since I worked out SOOOO hard....I DESERVE to eat 'more',...and...well, you can guess the rest. So the key is, regular exercise but nothing crazy. And working out is NOT an excuse to eat 'more'....that couple of extra ounces of protein can quickly morph into an extra lean or an extra lean PLUS an extra snack, or two, or three...and then I'm sunk.

5. WATER continues to be very important. If I feel thirsty it's already too late, I'm dehydrated. So I have to keep drinking, all day long. Yes I get up in the middle of the night. No, that's not a problem. It is what it is.

6. FOOD is not the be-all and end-all of life. Thinking about my house, my garden, my cats, my husband, and the larger issues of life such as spiritual reading, meditation and the like, I can see the 'big picture' and know that food -- and my struggles with it -- are all part of why I am HERE on this Earth. So I get involved in OTHER things, and appreciate my life, the good stuff I have that doesn't involve food -- as much as possible.

7. The SCALE is not going to run my life anymore. In fact, I haven't weighed myself in about a month and that's fine. All the gadgets to monitor myself...the scale, the Fitbit, even MyFitnessPal and logging my meals....can result in my becoming TOO anal and TOO involved in being 'good' versus being 'bad'. It's NOT NECESSARY. All that's necessary is to eat my 5 MF meals and 1 L&G every day and get some exercise. THAT'S ALL. Logging every bite and counting the calories, protein, carbs and fats is...getting myself TOO wrapped up in my struggle and sometimes that's ridiculous. Better to just do what I know works and stop counting and logging everything. It's OK, I know what to do by now. When I was new to the program, yes, it was important....but it's not that important anymore. In fact it can backfire because it makes me focus TOO much on what I'm eating/exercising etc. to the point where I fall for the 'PLOM'...(Poor Little Ole Me) syndrome, and that gives Fat Brain an opportunity to POUNCE and tell me I am SO deprived, I NEED this little piece of 'whatever' (which of course always leads to MORE).

8. Eating is complicated when you're a food addict, because we overeat for a BUNCH of different reasons. I can overeat if I'm angry, sad, frustrated, happy, nervous, anxious, bored, sick, in pain, tired......you name it! My entire life I have 'used' food to feel better, to forget my troubles, to escape. I use food just like a drug addict uses drugs. And since there is no way to eliminate food entirely, my only answer is to eat a CONTROLLED diet like the 5&1 (and when I'm in maintenance? The last week of Transition works perfectly). The point is I MUST stay in control, therefore I MUST eat in a controlled way. I can't just 'let myself go' because when I do that I overdo.

9. Like the scale, all the charts and graphs I used to keep are....not necessary. They keep the focus on thinking about this as a one-shot deal, when the truth is, it's not a road with a beginning, middle and end...it's an ENDLESS journey with many lessons along the way. Therefore all I need to do is to be true to my food and exercise plan, and the rest will fall into place. Oh, and by the way that goes DOUBLE for the 'fat percentage' that people at the gym are so hung up about. It's like the goal is to have as little fat on your body as possible. That's nice....but it's not the end goal. My end goal is simply to be able to maintain a healthy weight and not binge anymore. And to do that I have to stay on a balanced, nutritious program. Period.

10. The bottom line with all of this is, the way to avoid the chaos of binge eating and the despair that it brings, is to CONTROL MY EATING. Period. FOREVER. And that's not the end of the world, it's simply how I have to live and that's fine! Every day I'm in control I can see 'other things' in life....I can participate in life and enjoy it. But every day I fall into a binge-mode mentality, I retreat from life and all I think about is "What can I eat next?". That's no way to live. SELF LOVE is important in every person's life, and you can't love yourself if you're always at war with yourself! So stop fighting and just reconcile yourself to the fact that a good nutritious food plan is something you have to embrace FOREVER. And it's not the end of the world if you can't stuff yourself with junk anymore. In fact, you are operating at a 'higher level' in your life, because you recognize that sludge is POISON. It really is. So let everyone else eat that junk, it's not something you need to do anymore.

There you have it. My top ten lessons.....but there are many more 'mini lessons' I've omitted....things I've learned along the way on my weight loss journey that have become a part of me. All of them make me a better person INSIDE than I was back in Feb. 2012.
I've 'grown up' in many ways in regards to food and what works/doesn't work for me.

And the biggest lesson of all is, FOOD IS NOT THE ANSWER to whatever 'question' I have in my life. Food is simply an ESCAPE.

Life isn't easy, but I don't need to stuff myself to live it anymore. Instead I can love myself enough to take care of myself properly....and to recognize that 'this too shall pass', whatever it is....be it bad news, a rainy day, a bad day, whatever. As I write this it's raining and nasty out. But I know the sun WILL come out eventually....maybe tomorrow, maybe even later on today. I won't let external events dictate how I treat my own body anymore.

Keep on keepin' on....!!!