Food is my Controlled Substance!

Last night I managed to override a very vicious urge to binge....right before bedtime.  It was so strange. I had my MF brownie ready to go, but all of a sudden I didn't WANT that, I wanted to eat something fattening....and LOTS of it.  We had some reduced fat cream cheese in the frig and I suddenly I was thinking of mixing it up with a few other ingredients and...
well...I'll stop there, don't want to give anyone ideas...suffice it to say it wouldn't have been good.

And of course I KNEW that....but I couldn't stop my stupid Fat Brain from FIXATING.  The whole time I was getting ready for bed she was on my case about it. "Just do it".  "You NEED it". "You'll FEEL better".
And she went on from there. (those of you who fight binge eating can relate...)...she was planning an all-night binge.  In bed.  Alone.UGH.  It can be very very hard to ignore her when she gets persistent like that. And the whole time, my husband was coughing. Coughing coughing coughing....as he's been doing lately even more than usual.  He has COPD and right now he's battling a cold. And for him? That's all it takes. One cold and he's in trouble....because he has the chronic bronchitis form of COPD and the congestion is ALWAYS there.

And when he gets a cold it can quickly turn into pneumonia. And he suffers. Oh, how he suffers!  Unable to rest, unable to lie down for the coughing.  And yes, we've tried everything. cough syrups, medications, etc. ....  and yes, he's under the care of a lung specialist. He finally started taking his emergency Prednisone the doc prescribed (for situations just like these) yesterday, and that's like a miracle (short term use...like 3 days worth of a heavy dosage)....but it hasn't quite kicked in yet. Hence the struggling and coughing last night. My heart goes out to him but there's literally NOTHING I can do.

I think....analyzing it now, that that was what was behind my urge to binge last night. He went to work, the man is nothing if not hard-working....and just keeping busy will help him (also the coughing is much better during the day)...and I'm making a mental note to bug him 'sooner' about the prednisone (isn't it funny how we can see when a loved one is sick, but when it happens to OURSELVES we get in denial?). 

But frustration, anxiety and worry have always been triggers for me.....and I think watching someone I love suffer so much just 'kicked off' that urge to binge.

I'm SO grateful I got through it. It wasn't easy, either. I had to talk myself down....and go to bed. Tell myself I'd forget about it in my sleep.  And I did....this morning I woke up hungry but just the usual hunger, no urge to binge. Thank GOD. 

Another lesson learned.  The combination of feeling awful because someone I loved was in pain PLUS not being able to do anything about it PLUS 'no one can see' (he was in bed, I was in the kitchen....no one around, I could've stuffed my face....hell, I could've brought JUNK to bed - we have separate bedrooms - and no one would've been the wiser)....well, it
all resulted in a 'Perfect Storm' of opportunity for Fat Brain to strike.

We want to HIDE from the world.  Sink into a food trance.  It's our ESCAPE.

What kills me is how we can totally 'overlook' LOGIC and SENSE when Fat Brain takes over like that!  Her urgings to 'just do it, you'll feel better' were very very hard to battle. 

What helped me, though?
Was remembering all the times I HAVEN'T said 'No', the times I HAVE succumbed and eaten my way into a terrible binge, and how awful that felt. 
Literally 10 minutes after starting a binge I'm past the point of no return, I know I'm no longer in ketosis and have now 'blown' any chance I had of having lost weight that day (or week), and I HATE myself.

And that self hatred is the worst part. I know I don't deserve it. I'm just addicted, that's all.  I'm not a "bad" person.  I'm not unlovable or without value or worthless or useless or any of the horrible things I tell myself immediately after a binge when my stomach is bloated and I look in the mirror and I SWEAR my face is fatter, it even looks swollen to me. 
And worst of all is knowing I betrayed my own principles, my own 'rules for living', and I didn't take care of myself properly.  Bingeing is self-mutilation.  Plain and simple.
When things look bad....when they look hopeless in your life and something bad happens...sometimes we need to do is remind ourselves that 'this too shall pass'.  It really is as simple as that sometimes. Remind yourself you can get through it.  It's not 'forever'.

And EATING won't make it better!

Bottom line, this morning I'm very relieved and happy that I was able to avoid bingeing....but a part of me worries "What will happen tonight?" and I pray I'll be able to find the strength to just let go and let God. Go to bed, assured that I'm doing everything I can for my hubby, and let the rest take care of itself. The man isn't stupid. He's doing everything he can for himself. And I'll call the doctor today and ask for more prednisone so he has it, and make sure he's scheduled for his follow-up appointment.

That's about all I can do.  Life happens. We have to deal with it....one way or the way.   For me, dealing with it 'the old way' -- i.e, with FOOD -- is no longer an option.

FOOD is my 'controlled substance'. I can - and must - eat it every day, but the RIGHT amounts with the RIGHT nutritional makeup. Those MF packets are my prescription for good health...that plus my L&G every night.  They are necessary for me to take on time, every day. 

But the emphasis here is on CONTROLLED.  Where the MF meals are a necessity, other foods are NOT.  

It's almost like being a heroin addict.  The Medifast meals are my methadone.  But the rest of the food?  All that sludge?  Is like CRACK COCAINE or HEROIN to me.  It's highly highly addictive and I have to stay away from it. 
Likewise, too much food - even MF meals or healthy food - can cause me to overdose.

Food is my drug of choice. The key is, the MF meals are my cure -- like methadone for a heroin addict or the Chantix I took to quit smoking -- and therefore I continue to use them and to fall back on them whenever I need to.  And too much food?  Is an overdose.

Simple as that.  Maybe looking at it from a drug addict's point of view will help.

This morning it's helping me.  I can understand the similarities between the two and now? When I look at that cream cheese in my frig?  I'll see a needle with heroin in it.

Have a great day everyone....hang in there if you're struggling, you are NOT alone, you're among friends here.  Reach out for help...it's here if you need it!

Keep on keepin' on,