Deprivation? ... or Self-Care?

One of the biggest hurdles for me in trying to control my eating, is that feeling of "I deserve it" -- the idea that somehow, feeding myself will solve all my problems, make me feel better, and soothe myself  (and my bruised ego) when life gets hard.  

This is a pretty strong habit!  One that I've developed over a lifetime, ever since I was a little kid and I was given a lollipop to "make it all better".  The idea that a treat can somehow take the hurt away is a very powerful one, because the truth is, it DOES make me feel better -- temporarily.

But the problem is, of course, as a grown woman, I don't need the extra sugar and/or carbs and/or fat (and who ever heard of "rewarding" yourself with a SALAD?  LOL...).

So the conundrum becomes, how to make myself feel better WITHOUT resorting to overeating?

I believe the answer is multi-faceted and takes time, and effort.

 
1).  First, it helps to differentiate between my COE "Fat Brain" telling me to eat eat eat -- and my rational, intelligent side.  Separating the 2 halves of my psyche can sometimes stop a slip-up in its tracks, as I realize this isn't the truth that I'm hearing, it's just Fat Brain's usual lies and excuses.  

2).  BUT -- that doesn't always work!  So a big key -- and a longer lasting one -- is to learn to relate to life in a more SANE manner.    I.e., instead of trying to control everything, learn to roll with the punches -- let go and let God -- and understand that this, too, shall pass, and I don't HAVE to react -- or even have the 'bad' emotion in the first place!  By working on my internal cues and trying to become a better person, one who treats everyone with love and respect, one who doesn't jump to conclusions but stops and thinks and maybe learns to CALM DOWN, and react differently, then those emotional events that sent me on an eating roller coaster won't happen to begin with!

Example:  I get angry with my husband over something he did.
Step ONE:    Determine if he really DID what I think he did, or if I misinterpreted the situation!  9 times out of 10 his motives were pure and it was a simple case of misunderstanding and/or miscommunication.  When I do that, I can frequently DEFUSE my anger at the source!
Step TWO:  If I DO have a legitimate reason to be angry, allow myself to FEEL IT!  Anger isn't the worst thing in the world.  As women, we are taught to always be the 'good girl' and never shout or get angry...."nice girls don't do that"....but that's a shame, because anger is an emotion and we should ALLOW ourselves to FEEL our emotions.  They won't kill us!  In fact, emotions GO AWAY...and anger can be very, very short-lived if you let it run its course.  It won't last forever!  I will NOT explode (or implode). 
Step THREE:  In allowing myself to FEEL, I also need to learn how to EXPRESS my anger calmly -- without accusations or tears.  Staying calm and logical while also expressing how I feel, and standing UP for myself, goes a long way toward ending that desire to stuff my face (along with 'stuffing down' the emotion).   
Step FOUR:  RELAX.  Take a deep breath.  Remind yourself that this feeling will pass.  Eating over it solves nothing -- in fact it worsens the situation, because now there are 2 things to worry about -- the original problem, PLUS I overate!
Step FIVE:    Repeat as necessary!  Life doesn't run smoothly for ANYONE.  No one "has it made" despite outward appearances.  Everyone gets angry, gets sad, gets frustrated, gets anxious, gets tired, get impatient, gets aggravated, you NAME it!  We are all human beings and as such we make mistakes and we have feelings.  Learning to forgive yourself -- and to figure OTHERS -- is a skill you can perfect with practice.
Along with learning how to feel my emotions (and allowing myself to do so) there is an important facet that needs to continue to be developed -- and that is self-love.  Programs and communities like Overeaters Anonymous or Facebook groups of COEs can help, because I realize that I'm NOT ALONE, and that it's OK to feel the feelings I do, and that I am NOT a "bad" person for feeling as I do -- or for succumbing to a food binge or relapse along the way, because we learn MOST from our mistakes!

3).  Last but not least, a big big key for me, that helps me to stay on my food plan, is being able to call upon (and lean on) and even surrender to some sort of Higher Power.  This HP for me is God -- but it doesn't have to be  It can be the power of the Universe.  It can be karma, or the "force", or the power of the "group" if you are in a group  Facebook or other community of compulsive eaters (and incidentally, anorexics and bulimics have the SAME problems with food as overeaters.....they just deal with it differently either by avoiding eating altogether or by purging after binges).  

Your Higher Power can be whatever you want it to be -- but make sure you believe wholeheartedly that it is stronger than you are -- because in this way, you can surrender to it when you don't have the strength to stay on your food plan yourself.  You 'give up your eating' to your Higher Power and therefore wind up eating within the guidelines you've set -- or at least doing minimal damage as you listen to your HP's voice in your hand (NEVER to be confused with Fat Brain;  your HP always chooses the healthiest, sanest way out!)  

Oh - one other thing is necessary, and it's one we frequently overlook -- and that is, TIME!  

It took me years to develop into a Compulsive Overeater.  (COE).  From about age 4 on!  (and I'm 60 now).  So I cannot expect to change in a matter of weeks or even months what took me a LIFETIME to develop.  It takes years, if you have been struggling with your weight all your life.  It takes trial and error.  It takes learning from your mistakes.  And it takes forgiving yourself when you go down the wrong road!  

And incidentally, "getting thin" does NOT mean you are "cured" or "recovered" or "healed".  When you look at the big picture, you see that anyone can get thin -- resolve to follow a strict diet for X amount of time and voila, the weight comes off.  But if you don't do the rest of the work I've mentioned here, you can clock the amount of time you'll fit into your goal jeans with an egg timer.  Because the second another crisis comes along, or the stars line up "just so", or you have a large amount of stress in your life all of a sudden....or there's a holiday or vacation or you get sick or someone close to you dies or -- you NAME It -- "life happens", right?
... Whatever the event, you WILL cave eventually if you haven't changed on the INSIDE.  Sometimes there isn't even a REASON, you just find yourself automatically reaching for that donut or second donut or third etc.  Sugar addiction is REAL and it's physical -- which is why "no sugar" has become one of my mantras) or suddenly deciding you HAVE to bake cookies because it's Christmastime!....
Right?

Sure, we've all done it.  We've all fallen down the rabbit hole and woken up wondering WHY in the world we overate...and hating ourselves for it!

But WHY do we do this?  

We do it, because as I said in the beginning,  it's a LEARNED response.  It's WHAT WE DO!  It's how we relate to life.  

So those responses have to change -- and that means I have to REPEAT the changed behavior many many times before it truly can replace the bad habit and becomes 'automatic'.

Precious few of us are able to do this...that's why the statistics are so awful, reporting that over 90% of people who lose weight will regain it!  That's a sad fact, but it's the truth.  

Why?  Because it's change on the OUTSIDE only.

To truly change permanently, I must work from the INSIDE OUT.

So the keys are what I've discussed herein -- changing the "scripts" in my head -- each and every time I: - get hungry
- have a negative emotion
- get stressed
- get bombarded with food cues

It's TOUGH to do, especially over the holidays.  But the rewards are worth it!

- To be CALM and controlled with my eating -- i.e., NO MORE BINGES!
- To stay abstinent (i.e., on my food plan!)
- To change how I react when I have a negative emotion and ALLOW myself to feel!
- To LOVE myself no matter what
- To look upon food not as a panacea for life's struggles, but as a pleasant form of nurturing my physical body.  Nutrition takes precedence (but that never means I have to eat things I hate or live on dried chicken breasts)!

Is it possible?

YES!  I believe it is, because I know people who've done it.  Not many, but that doesn't matter -- the bottom line is it IS possible with
Patience, Knowledge, Self-Love, Honestly, the right Food plan, and the right support!

Have an awesome holiday, and regardless of your eating, FORGIVE YOURSELF and don't beat yourself up.  Because it ain't over .... till it's over!  

HUGS!

Linda
angiecat6@comcast.net