Alone with my Food.....

One of the things I always did when overeating or bingeing....was, I preferred to eat ALONE.

Like that drinking song of George Thoroughgood's...you know, the one that goes, "I drink alone....with nobody else...."...that's how I was with food.

Whenever I fall off the precipice of staying on my food plan, that's what I do.

I ISOLATE myself.  Close the door, lock it, close the blinds, the shades, whatever...and hole up in favorite LazyBoy recliner with all my favorite binge foods within easy reach, and I eat eat eat. 

In solitude.  NOTHING is allowed to penetrate this solitude.  I won't answer the phone, I won't answer the door, I hide in secret and eat until I can't stand it anymore.  Until my stomach is swollen and I literally can't fit another thing into it.

Then I go lie down, HATING myself....lying on my side because I can't lie on my belly, it's too swollen to do so.  And I cry, and I pray, and I wonder when it's going to STOP.

Well, it finally stopped when I got REAL with myself.  When I stopped allowing myself to fall prey to that emotional 'need' that cried out, "I wannna EAT!  I just want to lose myself in my favorite foods".

Of course it never starts OUT that way, does it?

It didn't for me.  It always started with just a small extra bite or two....or a dessert I knew I shouldn't have...or a glass of wine....usually with others around, too. 

Everything LOOKED 'normal' to the people around me in my life. 

Until I started listening to that voice in my head...the one that said, "You screwed up, you had that dessert, you're going to gain weight this week, you are SO hopeless...you might as well just EAT WHAT YOU WANT because you're going to have to go BACK on your plan super-strict TOMORROW".

That's how I started every binge.  I would have my binge foods in one hand, and my planned program to 'diet' the next day in the other.  I'd be all set, I was going to be 100% on my program .... tomorrow.

In the meanwhile, however, I was enjoying every last bit of every last delicious food I'd NEVER be able to eat again, while I could.  Because this was IT.  The last straw.  The last time.

How many 'last times' did I have?  Many.  Too many to count.

And what was the result?  I'd stay OP maybe a few days, maybe a week, maybe longer if I really gritted my teeth...but I was doing it on sheer 'will' (or 'won't') power only.  I really still didn't tackle the BIGGER issue, the issue that was driving me to eat in the first place...

And that had NOTHING to do with the tasty desserts or glass of wine or ANYTHING like that at all.  What it came down to, pure and simple, was a desire to ESCAPE.  To HIDE my feelings, my fears, and all my imperfections and the biggest imperfection of all which was my LIFE, which wasn't 'measuring up' (although no one ever COULD measure up to my impossible standards)....and cover them up, cover up those feelings and pretend they didn't even EXIST....so I could go on, I could live another day among the 'normal' people.

Even my closest friends and my husband had no clue to what lengths I would go to, to satisfy this need to ESCAPE.  I couldn't literally run away, I had responsibilities, right?
So this was my method of 'relief'.  Of RELEASE.  Of all those 'bad' emotions I had.

If I binged enough, I wouldn't FEEL anything anymore.  Except, of course....my anger at having binged yet AGAIN.  My hopelessness at not being able to control my eating.
My helplessness, my tears, my self-recriminations, and most of all, my shame.

I've talked about this before....how we as binge eaters and/or compulsive overeaters have a huge amount of SHAME about our addiction (or illness....either one will work for me, because to be honest I think it may be a combination of both!). 

Instead of openly treating our condition, we hide it.  We don't admit it.  We replace the food we've eaten if someone will notice, or we go out and buy all binge foods in advance and destroy any evidence...the wrappers, etc. 

But we can't hide from ourselves.  And we can't hide from the mirror when we look at our bloated stomachs.  And we can't hide from the scale when we step on it and realize we are OUT OF CONTROL and our weight is still going up up up.

So what's the answer?

Well, I believe it's getting in DEEP....with your HEAD.  And your HEART.  And yes, even your SPIRIT. 


Recovery for me, is happening one day at a time, because I'm learning to LISTEN to what I'm feeling and to understand and realize that it's OK. 

I'm not perfect.  OK, that's a given.  I DON'T HAVE TO BE!

I can be HUMAN.  Imperfect.  At fault.  I can say I'm sorry.  I can try harder.  But I don't have to be PERFECT.  All I can do is the best I can, each and every day. 

If I'm angry, I can EXPRESS IT.  It's OK!  I'm allowed to do that!  (How many of us, especially women, we taught we can't express anger?  How many of us feel GUILTY when we get mad?  How many of us tell ourselves it's not important enough to get angry about, and stuff it down?)

You can only stuff it down so long....before the need to stuff your FACE comes into play.

Because that's what we learned to do!  We learned that if we ate, we FORGOT.  We forgot all the pains of our emotions, we got our anger out (or stuffed it down) by NOT expressing it to the people we were angry with, but instead we took it out on OURSELVES!

And add to the shame....is the guilt.  Guilt for being 'weak' once again.  For bingeing or eating compulsively.  Whether it was one bite too much or 2000 calories too much, we hated ourselves for it and felt the need to punish ourselves.

Hence, another 'diet'....another promise to stick to it 100%....and another attempt, only to fail again.

Sooner or later, you have to understand that the process of healing comes from the INSIDE OUT. 

You have to heal the INSIDE in order to heal OUTSIDE.

And that means, you have to learn to express and FEEL your emotions.  To deal with them.  To grow up a little bit.  To take responsibility and not run and hide.

It's not easy but it IS possible.  Sharing is one way to do that.  Share here on Facebook, share with email, get yourself a Coach or a Sponsor and get into a program that has a component that includes HEADWORK. 

It's important.  A diet without headwork is just a band-aid...and a flimsy one at that.

These days, I'm all about opening my drapes and shades....and embracing life.

Sure, I have my days when I want to just stay in bed....but I say a prayer and force myself to get up, and I take baby steps, and I learn.  I may not be a social butterfly, but I go to the gym and I take classes and I smile and ask people how they are and lo and behold, they talk to me, they don't think I'm a horrible human being, even if I'm NOT perfect.  LOL.

I TELL people if I'm angry...ask my husband, he's usually the recipient LOL. 
I say it, I don't make a big deal out of it, and it's DONE.  It's over.  If he gets angry back, well, that's just the breaks.  I've learned I won't 'die' from it.  And he won't leave me.  We'll both calm down and we won't be angry 'forever'.

I look forward to tomorrow if today isn't 'great'....if the weather isn't cooperative, if I'm lonely or depressed or bored.  Because I know, from experience, that every bad day, every hard day, is usually followed by a GOOD day! 

NEVER give up.  NEVER surrender to your addiction.  You CAN become whole again.

All it takes is a little faith in yourself.  If you have a Higher Power, that helps, too....but the most important thing, in my view, is to be willing to EXPLORE what's going on in your head and your heart, and have a little SELF-LOVE and FORGIVENESS....

of YOURSELF.

Keep on keepin' on!

Linda
angiecat6@comcast.net