Becoming 'Slim Linda'....!

So I was thinking today about what it has taken to get me to 'this point' in my journey.
We all know it's a journey....it's NOT a fixed point.
It's a road EACH of us must travel...and it's unique for every individual.

But...what does it TAKE? I mean, changing your eating habits is one thing...but for many of us, it's like, almost becoming a whole DIFFERENT person!

I was 'Fun Fat Linda' before. Nothing (seemed!) to bother me. The life of the party. Creator of the goodies....I'd make lots of sludge and sit back and watch everyone enjoy and obviously partake myself, too. But never 'too' much....I saved that for when I was ALONE. I was a great social person......loved everyone (or so it seemed)....and seemed very happy

Inside, of course, it was a different story. Things DID bother me...I just 'solved' them with FOOD. I'd have little 'pity parties' of my own when I was alone with all my favorite goodies....and stuff myself to my heart's delight. And feel better. For a few hours, anyway.

Until it all came rushing back...the anger, the shame, the humiliation of being the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend)....or the "Fun Fat Wife" who nobody ever looked at twice. Every day became a trial as I got heavier and heavier.

I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about.

And then...the miracle of Medifast!....YAY! I lost weight like CRAZY that first week, and kept losing! WOW! Eating brownies! This is GREAT! And eating every 3 hours! I GOT this!

Sure....I got this...until I got to the point where I lost enough weight that....well, people not only noticed, they made comments like "You should stop now....you're getting TOO thin", yada yada.

Really? I wasn't.....I was FAR from anorexic, and still 20 lbs away from goal....yet people had trouble reconciling the 'new' me.

Fun Fat Linda was GONE. In her place was this slimmer version of me, this woman who said "NO" to all the sludge, the drinks, ALL of it....and just sat there with a glass of ICE WATER in her hand and seemed fine with it!
What was WRONG with this picture?

For awhile I was totally cool with it...hey, what people thought was THEIR problem, not mine, I was PROUD of myself...


But the comments continued. And then my husband started making remarks about my wearing 'revealing' leggings to the gym. (hey, EVERYONE wears leggings to the gym....well, most of the women, anyway). And I started to notice that I was getting second glances from men...even on the street. I got whistled at. I had NO idea how to take that, believe me, it upset me for an entire day....

In short, it got...weird! I looked in the mirror and didn't know WHO that was.
Where was I?
WHO was I?

Maybe I lost the weight too quickly. I don't know. I think that's a phenomenon that happens to many of us....we're not ready for the 'new' us.

And we get nervous. We worry. Should we take a self-defense course? Do we have to be concerned about unwanted attention now?

It's too weird. Right?

It definitely increased my own stress level....and that, combined with a feeling of "Is that all there is?" once I reached goal...the pot at the end of the rainbow....but guess what? I STILL had to watch what I ate! That SUCKED! ....
...and the stress continued to build...

until I finally 'gave in' and binged.

AHHHH....sweet relief. For a short period of time. And then the guilt/shame/anger/recriminations. But it was OK, I had MEDIFAST in my back pocket! I could just GET BACK OP! YAY!

But guess what? It's not so easy the second time around! (as again, I'm sure MANY of you can attest to!)

In fact, it's SUPER difficult. Suddenly eating only ONE lean a day seems....like deprivation. And you have to give up your FRUIT again. YUCK!

The bread I didn't mind...because I didn't eat a whole heck of a lot of it when I reached goal anyway...but I loved my fruit and my protein.
And my snacks. Those little 'extras' I could have when I reached goal.

So I started to backslide...and that led to MORE recrimination, and MORE guilt, and MORE shame....and MORE binges.

UGH!

Where does it end, right?

STRESS leads to --> OVEREATING which creates --> MORE STRESS which leads to --> MORE OVEREATING!

Well, I finally got hold of myself before I regained ALL the weight, thank heavens....before I even had to go up a size in jeans (although I will admit, my jeans are tight...and I haven't washed them in....a long time...! LOL)....
but it hasn't been easy.

But is it worth it? How do I feel NOW? (and I've still got aways to go to get BACK to goal, by the way).

I feel....like it was all a JOURNEY. Experiences I HAD to have. Experiences I LEARNED from.

First of all, TIME is not something I worry about anymore. I've stopped fixating on getting to "X" weight by "Y" date. That's counterproductive and it just increases my stress level.

Secondly, I don't do 'challenges'. As I've said before, they tend to mess with my head.

What works for me? Is just taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME. And setting myself up with my 5 MF meals every morning, and saying to myself "This is all I'm eating today, plus my L&G" and having the ingredients ready to go for my L&G...and having favorite meals I make over and over again....and favorite MF meals (who CARES if I eat the same thing every day? Who CARES if I enjoy a choc mint soft serve in February? I LIKE IT. It WORKS for me. And THAT is all that matters).

What works for me is NOT stressing over the scale....I'm weighing in monthly from now on. Even weekly was stressing me out..
And daily? Forget it. The scale can fluctuate too much for me to weigh in daily....I turn into a BASKET CASE worrying about 'did I have too much sodium yesterday' or 'is it because I worked out', etc.

NOT WORTH IT.

What works is just STAYING OP....and realizing that THIS time when I reach goal, I KNOW better. I know it's 'forever', watching what I eat, and I'm OK with that. I know people may treat me differently...but I'm ready for it now.

And most of all, I know I will see 'Slim Linda' in the mirror....and I LOVED seeing her. She may have been foreign to me at first, but she's who I really AM, who I really WANT to be, and she's WAITING FOR ME.

Who is waiting for YOU? What will YOU become when you lose the weight?

LOSE the games, LOSE the fixating on # of days OP or thinking you have until 'such-and-such' a date to weigh X pounds, LOSE the 'I'll be at goal by my birthday!' nonsense.

Just stay OP. Know that the weight will come off when it's ready to come off, and it'll STAY off....when YOU'RE ready for it to stay off.

Keep on keepin' on!