It's taken me a lot of years to finally, once and for all, give up my God.
I'm talking about FOOD.
Food was my GOD for far too long. Oh, I wouldn't ADMIT that, of course...in fact I would argue with you. I was raised Catholic and believed in 'one' loving, all-powerful God. He could do ANYTHING. And He worked in mysterious ways that we as humans cannot begin to understand.
That's about as far as my thinking about God went....other than, per Catholicism, God also was a punishing God who would send you 'directly to Hell' if you committed some serious sin. The sins were all spelled out very neatly in the 10 Commandments, and woe be it to the man or woman who ignored them!
I've since come a long, long way in my spiritual thinking....and I believe I've matured to the point where I no longer 'need' to believe in a punishing God....but rather a loving God instead A forgiving God. A God who embraces ALL people, of ALL faiths, nationalities, colors, sexual preferences, you name it.
God loves ALL of us.
But I digress. My point is not to have a religious discussion here....my point is to point out that I, as a Compulsive Overeater, really did not 'worship' God per se....because I worshiped something else instead.
FOOD.
Food was my respite. My 'go to' place when nothing else worked. My sanctuary. The ONE thing in my life that I felt I could 'control', in a world gone haywire.
Life is stressful, it's hard, it's painful, it's frustrating, and it NEVER go easily for any of us. We all have our problems...NO ONE gets away 'scot free' in this life.
So when the troubles add up.....where do YOU turn?
Some people turn to alcohol.
Or to drugs.
Or to smoking.
Or to money.
Or to careers.
Or to academia.
Or to psychology.
Or to drama.
I turned to FOOD. Time and time again, when life handed me lemons, I'd make not even lemonade...I'd make lemon meringue PIE. LOL.
"Eat something, you'll feel better" was something I heard over and over again....as a child...and I believed it so wholeheartedly that it's somehow embedded myself in my PORES. In my SOUL!
And to a certain extent, it's TRUE. YES, I DO feel better (we all usually do) after I eat something, because the physical emptiness in my stomach is gone, my blood sugar automatically rises, and I feel an 'up' from the influx of food.
But of course, too much food...or the wrong types of food...can take that physical benefit and twist it into something DEADLY in a hurry. Diabetes. Liver disease. Obesity. Heartburn. That bloated feeling.
As a COE (Compulsive Overeater), I've been there, too. Not drastically enough to put me in the hospital, but enough to scare me into realizing that food was nothing to mess around with!
It's NOT a cure all.
And FOOD IS -NOT- MY GOD anymore. Because it's a FALSE God!
Food promises the 'world'. Everything will feel better. You'll be fine. Just dive into that tub of ice cream or dig into that jar of peanut butter, and the world goes AWAY......you're hidden now...in your own little world, where nothing can bother you (except running out of peanut butter). LOL
Seriously, though, I KNEW I was doing this sort of thing....this .. ESCAPISM ... every time I had an eating binge....and yet somehow I couldn't stop.
Stuffing myself became a valid OPTION whenever I had an uncomfortable feeling.
And that's the key, in a nutshell. I ATE TO AVOID FEELING BAD FEELINGS.
Anger, frustration, sadness, impatience, anxiety/worry, helplessness, boredom, you name it....FOOD was my GOD and it took it all away (temporarily) because it HID the emotions, covered them up under a layer of whatever sweet-and-creamy delight I decided to indulge in.
"Life is hard, eat cookies" was my mantra.
This leads to a life DEPENDENT upon said cookies. This leads to stunted emotional growth and a lack of maturity and independence. This leads to MORE frustration and self-hatred as the effects of my binges showed up on my body and I hated myself every time I passed a mirror.
Which led me to diets, which led me to eventually 'giving up' the diet, which led to MORE self-hatred and recrimination, which led me right back to my "God"....MORE FOOD.
It was an endless, vicious cycle that I couldn't seem to break out of.
Until I heard the term "emotional abstinence".
Hmmm. What does that mean?
Emotional abstinence means allowing yourself to FEEL your feelings instead of running to FOOD to 'stuff them down'. In essence, it means almost opposite to how it sounds...i.e., instead of NOT feeling your feelings, you swing the other way and DEFINITELY feel them....you ALLOW yourself to feel them! Versus freaking out and thinking they are too powerful, they might overwhelm you, etc.
For years I've been AFRAID of my own feelings! It's true! I wouldn't admit it, of course...in fact I didn't even REALIZE I was 'covering up' or 'stuffing them down' with food....but I was. I definitely was. It was too UNCOMFORTABLE to feel anger, for instance, at my husband. I'd talk myself OUT of being angry with him because it was too much trouble to argue with him. I was afraid he'd walk out on me if I expressed myself! If I asked too much of him....if I disagreed with him....he might LEAVE.
And THEN where would I be?
...so instead, I stuffed myself. I stuffed down the anger, told myself I had 'no right' to feel that way (which EVERYONE has a RIGHT to their feelings!!!! Don't put limits on your emotions!) and then I'd EAT instead
"Ahhhh...."....everything felt better. For...a little slice of time. Not long, though. Soon after, that 'Ahhh' feeling would morph into "What have i DONE?" anger at myself for succumbing to temptation yet AGAIN. For running to food...which of course gave me TWO problems, my original problem PLUS now I'd overeaten! AGAIN!
It was NUTS.
But that's how I lived...for years. That's how many of us COErs live. We lurch from feeling to feeling...hating those bad feelings, being unwilling to really EXPERIENCE them because we might fly apart!....and so we cover them up real quick with some goodie so we forget about them.
And then we hate OURSELVES, more than ever.
All that self-hatred shows up....in our hearts, in our minds, and in our bodies. It's no way to live.
Living with 'emotional abstinence', though, means now I have to EXPERIENCE my feelings. Even when I'm FURIOUS. Even when I'm depressed or sad. Crying is not a sin. In fact, crying is sometimes good for the SOUL! It's very cleansing to just 'get it all out'. And understand that it's all OK. I am HUMAN. I am ALLOWED to have feelings....and ... guess what? Feelings NEVER last 'forever'.
I WILL get over it. Whatever it is. And there WILL be a new day and the sun will come up and maybe, who knows, GOOD things will happen to me today!
But punishing myself for having feelings? That's OVER. DONE. I refuse to play that game anymore.
FOOD IS A FALSE GOD. It doesn't give relief....it gives PAIN when you do it over and over and over again as a matter of 'habit'. It deceives you with its false promises of how WONDERFUL you will feel....for a brief period of time...while you're enjoying whatever goodie you're enjoying....and then it DROPS YOU ON YOUR HEAD when you come 'down'.
Just like a 'high' from drugs or booze or...whatever.
FOOD IS A FALSE GOD. Remember that. Try to look upon food as FUEL, as NUTRITION for your body instead! We don't NEED to eat 'constantly' We can SURVIVE with very little food. We weren't MEANT to eat all day, every day. We weren't mean to eat processed junk and refined sugars and fat layered on carbs layered on sugar layered on more carbs. UGH. The food industry has gone WILD with its creations of gluttony.....but that doesn't mean that WE have to play along! We can choose to shake our heads and smile....and instead cruise the OUTSIDE of the store.
The produce section.
The meats and fish section.
And the dairy section.
That's all we really need. The rest is processed JUNK. Period. GET RID OF IT.
Learn to embrace food as what nature and God intended it to be. NUTRITION. You eat, you hopefully enjoy it (no one said you have to live like a MONK), but then it's OVER DONE. And you do NOT 'run to it' for comfort anymore, because that's NOT what food is meant for!
If you want comfort....try prayer. Or meditation. Or exercise. Or sleep. Or talk to a friend. Or read. Or write. Or do some Community service. Or work.
LIVE your life. Don't hide from it.
FOOD IS A FALSE GOD. Don't fall for it.
HUGS!
Linda
angiecat6@comcast.net
