The "FUN" Conundrum

There's s problem I have, that I think is NOT unique....but it's something we don't talk about a lot, and it's worth exploring.

And that is, the "FUN CONUNDRUM".  

What do I mean by that?

I mean, the fact that dieting is NOT "fun".  

Well, ....DUH...!  Right?  Most people would admit that you place a green salad next to, say, a cheeseburger, and the salad is MUCH more fun.

Why IS that?

Because we know the cheeseburger isn't 'good' for us?  
Because eating junk is 'bad'...and being 'bad' is ...FUN?

...or is it because it sometimes seems like the whole WORLD is out there, eating cheeseburgers (just watch about an hour of TV and tell me differently!) and having a ball....
...and we're stuck in here eating a plain green salad with no - or 'diet' - dressing.

UGH.

Then there's the group thing.  People don't gather around, laughing and having a blast, and eat....spinach.  

They eat pizza.  They eat hot dogs.  They eat burgers.  They eat foot-long submarine sandwiches  They eat pasta and steaks and candy bars and chips and...the list goes on and on.

All the 'goodies' in life.  Shared at a PARTY with people we love.

But if you're dieting....if you're really serious about losing weight, and you GIVE UP all those things....where does that leave you?

On the outside, looking in.   

Or on the inside, refusing over and over again and trying not to watch everyone else stuff their faces.  

Or with our own little container of food we bought with us (because we're really, really dedicated), and we spend the next hour explaining to people what this food is we're eating and why it's important.

And everyone nods and smiles and they may even congratulate you for being 'so good'....
But then they scarf down another brownie and smile at you.

And you're left staring at your protein bar wondering why you can't eat like everyone else.

Has that ever happened to you?

If you're EVER tried to lose weight, of COURSE it has!

And what happens in those circumstances?

If you're really determined, and really strong, you 'get through' the event (how sad is it, that a party or a fun event or going out to dinner, becomes an exercise in SELF-WILL that you have to 'get through'?), but when you get home you still feel vaguely unsatisfied.  

EVEN IF you managed to say 'No' to the goodies

After awhile, you wind up with two choices:
1.  You either go to event after event and become known as the 'health nut' in the group....and keep doing what you need to do to lose the weight;  maybe if you're lucky, you even wind up CONVERTING someone from your group to 'your side' of the fence, eating-wise, 
OR
2.  You start making excuses to NOT go...because you just can't take it anymore.  You'll meet the gang AFTER dinner.  (except that uh-oh, they're all going out drinking now!)....or you'll catch them next time...whatever.  Which is not good either because you start to isolate yourself.  

OR, of course, you cave completely and give up the diet.  

NOT FUN any way you look at it.  But sooner or later, we all reach this spot...and sooner or later, we all have to reconcile the desire to be 'one of the crowd' and 'have fun' with doing the right thing for our bodies and our health.

Hang out at a gym with the people who really take their health seriously, and you'll find they have managed to negotiate the "Fun Conundrum" successfully.  Maybe they only hang out with fellow gym-enthusiasts who eat the way they do (nothing but healthy stuff!)....maybe they party with water bottles and greek yogurt and protein bars.  That's a great solution if you can get there.  And it almost guarantees you'll lose the weight and KEEP it off, because you'll have changed your LIFESTYLE.

Which is what it's all about.  Right?

But you may find that the gym crowd goes the other way!  If they're young enough to get away with it, they may gorge on donuts after a Pilates workout.  Or brag that they 'never get fat' and can eat whatever they want.  (I don't know about you, but these people PISS ME OFF.  LOL).

And in that case, you're headed for trouble.  Right?  Maybe 'they' can eat whatever they want, but YOU know, in your heart of hearts, that the donut is going to make your baby fat cells grow fatter and happier.  Resulting in misery for you and gained weight.

And then, there's the issue of your significant other.

If you're married or in a serious relationship, the person you live with can have a big impact on your eating.  If you are dieting and he/she isn't, somehow you have to reconcile what you'll be eating for dinner to satisfy BOTH of you.  Either that or eat two distinct, separate meals (this is the solution I've worked out with my husband, who views salads as 'rabbit food').  

That's more work to prepare two separate meals every day.  And it can get a little ... trying .... making mac & cheese for 'them', while you're stuck with a piece of fish and some green beans.  

So you have to find ways to REDUCE the mac & cheese occasions, and INCREASE the good (albiet , healthy!) foods that YOU can have.  So for instance if mac & cheese bothers you, but your husband is fine with plain macaroni with a little Smart Balance on it (what he doesn't know can't hurt him LOL)....then you do THAT, because the plain macaroni does 'nothing' for you....and you can happily have your piece of salmon - cooked to perfection, not dried out, and with veggies that have some TASTE thanks to added herbs and spices, whatever you can do to make them taste good -- while he's eating his fatty beef and pasta.  Right?

Learn to buy the kids snack foods that do NOT turn you on.  That way they can have them, and it's no skin off your nose.  It's less stressful than keeping your favorite trigger food around because your 'kids want it'.  Really?  Then why are YOU eating it?  Is it really necessary to have it in the house?  

Ask yourself when you go grocery shopping, do I really want this for someone else, or am I justifying it and I really want it for MYSELF? 

We are big into self-sabotage.  It's so much easier to say "But I HAVE to have it in the house" than to exclude it permanently.  But that is exactly what you have to do if the food is a trigger for you.

And what about the 'fun' component, anyway?  I look back at my relationship with my husband and I remember so many events....and the FOOD we ate, as well.  Getting pizza at my house on a Saturday night and then watching a movie together is FUN.  Sharing a bag of popcorn or chips is FUN.
Going out to dinner and going for the molten chocolate cake dessert is FUN.
Drinking together is FUN.

I don't have all the answers, because I'm still working on them myself.

But I urge you to CONSIDER the "fun component" the next time you swear you can't stay on a diet.  The next time you cave...look at what's in your own home, the foods YOU have brought there.
And ask yourself if there's another way.

There IS another way.  There always is.  Either you convince your significant other to diet WITH you, or you agree on limiting the trigger foods (or eliminating them altogether)....and you find OTHER WAYS to 'have fun' that don't involve FOOD.

It CAN be done if your health is important to you.  

Keep on,

Linda

To OA....or NOT to OA

I have posted about OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for those interested in going that route....and I've been a member myself.  During my binge-eating period last year, I was feeling totally OUT OF CONTROL of my eating....and OA was a GODSEND to me at that point in time, because it helped me to stop binge eating.

How?
It helped me to:
- Calm DOWN and stop thinking I was hopeless, helpless, disgusting, a glutton, lazy, you name it...all the terrible things I was thinking about myself
- Realize that I was NOT alone;  there were others 'just like me' who would start eating 'one' piece of something and go on to devour the whole box or bag or whatever, and THEN run out to get MORE....and then have to HIDE the evidence from loved ones.  Sneaking food, stealing food, hiding food....all of these are hallmarks of someone who has LOST CONTROL over their eating.  That was me.  But I found there were others doing the same thing!
- Analyze my 'whys'.  What was going on in my head?  What feelings and emotions led to my consuming mass quantities?
- Figure out my character, in general.  Really delve deep into my character flaws - but in a gentle, loving way - and where I was was going astray.  For instance, many food addicts are control freaks, myself included.  And trying to control 'everything' is an exercise in futility!  Life isn't LIKE that.  There will always be things we can't control, can't anticipate.  Things WILL go wrong.  So trying to control them -- and then of course, getting angry and frustrated when life intervenes - led to a lot of frustration building up, tensions and pressures and stress....which I alleviated with a bag or carton of whatever junk food I was craving at the time.  There have even been studies conducted that show we go for certain foods to calm certain feelings ... for instance, ice cream when upset or feeling sorry for myself, or chips when feeling angry and stifled. 
Stop the FEELING and you stop the NEED to "STUFF". 
So....by analyzing my character, and paying attention to my own character flaws and attempting to CHANGE them, led to a real difference in my eating, ultimately.  Because when I relaxed and 'went with the flow', I found I wasn't as angry or as tense anymore.  And when that happened I found I wasn't HUNGRY anymore!  Like magic! 
Also, being able to say "I'm sorry" (and mean it").....not having to be RIGHT all the time....in general, being EASIER with the people around me and more of a life PARTICIPANT and maybe even just a SPECTATOR as opposed to trying to be its CONDUCTOR.  Right? 
OA is VERY very good at helping you analyze your character.  Provided you do it with help (a Sponsor or just attending meetings), and you are accepted and loved DESPITE your character flaws (and LOVE is the hallmark of OA), it can be incredibly HEALING.
- Provide me with a forum to just 'let it all hang out'.  Since meetings are anonymous and everyone is equal and allowed a 'share' time to express their feelings, I found I was able to open up and really just let my hair down.  I attended OA meetings online, as well....which were even MORE anonymous.  No one knew who I really was, I was just a made-up screenname.  They knew nothing about me except what I chose to disclose.  No names, no locations, no ages, no identifying markers of any kind.  There's something very freeing about that. 

So...YES, OA has its place for certain individuals and/or for those times when you're feeling really out of control of your eating.

BUT.  (And this is a BIG 'but'!!!)

While not specifically religious, OA relies about the concept of a Higher Power in all its teachings.  Your Higher Power can (and usually is) some sort of "God", whether you're Christian or Jewish or whatnot....you can substitute Allah or some other form of deity but the idea is, a power GREATER than that of human beings, an awesome all-powerful spirit (or you can even use the "spirit of the universe" or "spirit of Nature", if you like) that will TAKE OVER YOUR EATING FOR YOU.
What a wonderful concept for someone who's eating is out of control, right?  All I have to do is relax and do the '12 steps' (which are basically affirmations like "I am powerless over food", etc.) and SURRENDER TO YOUR HIGHER POWER -- and He/She/It will 'take over' your eating.

No more dieting.  No more counting calories or grams of carbs and fats and proteins.  No more having to drink X ounces of water every day.  In fact, the recommended 'diet' (which they call a Food Plan, because in OA they are NOT advocating ANY 'diet', per se, this is BEYOND dieting now)....is a 3-0-1 plan.  That means 3 meals a day, 0 snacks in between, 1 day at a time.  The meals preferably are healthy and are junk food....but the idea is just to LIMIT your allowable eating times. 

That in itself, obviously, will stop binge eating in its tracks.  It did for me! 

Of course, what happens, if you are not 'struck abstinent' (Abstinent is defined as NOT eating uncontrollably, but eating a set # of meals every day religiously, and being 'abstinent' - refraining from - eating any of your 'trigger' foods (you know, the stuff you love that you KNOW isn't good for you). 

You pray every day to your Higher Power for His/Her/It to 'take over' your eating. 
You 'surrender' your food needs to your Higher Power.  You listen for the whispers inside from your HP that tell you to put down your fork, or that you don't 'need' this or that 'bad' food, etc. 

People who truly surrender...who 'turn over' (big buzzword in OA) their eating - in fact their entire LIVES - to their Higher Power, are "struck abstinent".  DESPITE themselves, God takes over their eating.

I saw a little bit of this myself in my first heady, enthusiastic days in OA.  I sat at dinner and actually PUT MY FORK DOWN - which blew my mind, by the way - and decided I wasn't hungry anymore.  I wasn't sure where this came from, but suddenly I didn't 'Need' to eat anymore. 
Obviously I attributed this to my Higher Power and I was 'sold' on the program. 

BUT....the problem is, this 'turning over' thing has to be done on a DAILY basis.  And you have to keep reinforcing it.  And even then, sometimes it fades....sometimes you're left in the lurch with a (still!) strong desire to eat that ice cream, even after having worked the steps as hard as possible, even AFTER 'turning it over' to your HP, etc. 

The 'need to feed' for someone who loves to eat is a very very strong impulse.  And I found that my HP wasn't ALWAYS going to be there for me.  Sometimes, in fact, I swore He deserted me purposely because I had acted in a non-loving way at some point in my day.  Maybe I wasn't as patient as I'd like to be.  Maybe I didn't say "I'm sorry" when I should have.  Maybe I had strong resentments that I was still harboring, despite 'making amends' to those people I had harmed in my past.  (and by 'harmed', OA doesn't necessarily mean physically....any insult, bad thought, resentment, anger, etc. feeling towards another needs to be analyzed and torn apart to see where YOU went wrong.  It's always YOUR fault, because YOU got angry/frustrated/whatever.  And you shouldn't.  Not if you are really following the precepts of OA). 

Well, guess what?  We're all human and we all screw up, despite the best of intentions.  Trying to make amends and apologize and review my actions day after day and chastise myself for doing things 'wrong' got....well, EXHAUSTING, to tell you the truth.

Overall, my relationships improved....how can they NOT when you go to the people you love and apologize for past hurts and misunderstandings, etc. and say it was "your" fault? 
And not trying to control everything, relaxing and 'going with the flow' ("Let Go and Let God" is what they say, a phrase I still believe in when I get angry or frustrated), certainly makes life EASIER.  Calmer.  More smooth and much more pleasant for EVERYONE.

BUT the eating thing?  It didn't LAST for me.  Despite daily praying and reading the steps and even becoming a Meeting Leader - which meant I was repeating all the concepts and rules of OA over and over again until I knew them by heart. 

I still found myself wanting to eat foods I shouldn't be eating if I wanted to lose weight.

And the conundrum is, since OA "isn't a diet"....you're supposed to totally relax and LET GOD handle your food.  So as long as you are eating 3 meals a day with no snacks, those meals can be composed of, well...anything you like!  God will take care of the rest, right?
So I quickly began doing things like eating more fattening meals....or adding a slice (or two) of bread and butter at dinner....or skipping the veggies....because I WAS still only eating 3 meals a day, right?  And GOD was going to take care of it, He would manage my appetite so that I wouldn't really FINISH all that food I was piling on my plate.

Except that He didn't.  And my appetite came roaring back...and the weight piled on.

I don't know if it's like this for everyone else.  I'm just telling you what MY experience was.

And in my experience?  This whole 'surrendering' my food to God....well, it didn't work out so well.  In fact, I found myself REBELLING  against it.  Why should God control what I did/did not put in my mouth?  Where in the world was it HIS business?  Wasn't taking care of my body MY business?

Wasn't that the REASON I was here in the first place?

The more I thought about it, the more reading I did (I'm into spiritual books), the more I realized that THIS IS MY LIFE STRUGGLE.  My eating.  I'm MEANT to conquer this food addiction in this lifetime.

Somehow.  One way or the other.

It's MY burden.  Not God's. 

That's what I came around to and that, of course, destroyed all the precepts of OA and found me on the outside, looking in.  Again.

Back to the drawing board....!

Back to another DIET.  Because, OK, I admit it.  I STILL, even after all these years and all my experiences, have a 'diet mentality'.

What is the diet mentality? 
It's the idea that I need to cut back and severely deprive myself for "X" amount of time, until I reach a "good" weight (my 'goal' weight or whatever), and then I can 'eat what I want'.

Which of course is what 99.99% of people DO when they need to lose weight.

With the inevitable conclusion that, they REGAIN the weight the minute the diet is 'over'.

The thing is?  Each time I diet, and lose weight, I learn a little bit more.  I get a little further away from craving JUNK.  It's true...if you give up sugar, after awhile you won't crave it anymore!  Give up McDonald's for a long time, and it suddenly looks and tastes like what it is...JUNK!  It's fatty meat and cheeses and assorted sugars/fats etc inside two carb-laden white bread buns. 
It's NOT healthy.  It's the very antithesis of healthy.

Learning to LIKE healthy eating....takes time.  A LONG time.  And much trial and error. 

But I'm getting there!  I drink my coffee black now.  I used to put heavy cream in it, back in the day!
I have plain, fat-free greek yogurt for dinner most nights.  And a large salad.
And I don't worry about it.  Because the yogurt has plenty of protein -- more than your average 'standard meal', in fact -- and I LIKE it. 

Deserts for me are Medifast brownies or gingerbread.  Or maybe a bag of Medifast pretzels.  They are all MUCH much healthier than the 'real thing', they contain a measured amount of protein and good carbs and vitamins and minerals and support me nutritionally just fine, thank you...without adding anything else.

And the weight ROLLS OFF MY BODY.

And the 'next' time I reach goal?  Maybe I'm a little more knowledgeable.  Maybe I'm a bit stronger and don't succumb to junk food as soon or in as large quantities. 

My binge eating has STOPPED thanks to OA. 

But the WEIGHT won't come off with OA.   I NEED Medifast's mealplan to do that.  I know that from experience.  It WORKS.

And again, if it ain't broke....

As for the future?  I hope I won't regain the weight afterwards....but of course it's possible.
What I find happening, though, is that the weight gains get smaller and smaller each time, the yo-yos between being 'fat' and 'thin' get smaller, as I start to really CRAVE eating healthy because I know I'll FEEL BETTER that way....and eventually it's all working to bring me to a point where I'm not always either 'on a diet' or 'out of control'. 

That, for a true food addict who's 'used' food all her life?  Is the best I can hope for.  It's not a miracle, it's not surgery, it's not abstinence, but it's WHAT WORKS FOR ME.

So I'm going to stick with it.  And stop beating myself up because I can't do it the OA way or whatever.

THIS IS THE WAY I EAT NOW.  That's the best way to describe what goes through my head every day.  I plan out my meals, to be on program, Medifast-style, with extra lean because it makes me happy and because I still lose weight that way.  I lost over 70 lbs the firsts go-round doing this, and there's no reason to expect I won't be able to this time.

ONWARD!

Linda

"Control"

I've been struggling with my control issues lately.

Maybe - just maybe - if life seems to continually let you down, disappoint you, depress you.... -- if you feel you're frustrated much of the time;  if arguments and animosity seem to follow you wherever you go --

    Maybe you, too, have a control issue.

What do I mean by that?

Well, I've learned that one of my biggest flaws, in terms of character, is that I like --
No, I NEED (!) -- to be in control. 

Basically all the time.

Of ... Everything. 

How my day goes.  What people say to me and how I'm treated.  What's going to happen, when, and where, and why, and to whom....you get the idea.

I have... expectations.  My routine is set up 'just so', and whoa be it to ANYONE who interferes with it! 

I want things done 'my' way.  I'm even prepared to admit that perhaps, my way isn't the BEST way - but that doesn't matter. 

I STILL want it 'my' way.

I'm not sure how, why, or when I developed into such a controlling 'know-it-all'....but I don't LIKE what I've become. 

And the funny thing about trying to control everything is....

THE MORE YOU TRY TO CONTROL EVERYTHING,
THE LESS CONTROL YOU ACTUALLY HAVE!

It's true!  People are human beings and they will REBEL if you constantly tell them what to do.  Period.  Sometimes JUST to 'be different', to assert themselves.  LOL. 

And the MORE you swear you KNOW....the less you'll actually LEARN because you're so close-minded...and let's face it, who wants to argue with a know-it-all?

Better to nod and smile and....don't say anything...but get away AS FAST AS THEY CAN.

This is just human nature. 

HUMILITY.
Compassion.
Understanding.
A willingness to LEARN.
A willingness to say "I don't know" (!!!) 

or even....(heaven forbid!) LOL...
"I'm sorry".

And MOST of all, a more RELAXED attitude needs to be cultivated.  Wherein I simply "Go with the flow". 

These are incredibly important virtues if I want to live a HAPPY life. 

And let's face it.  The happier you are, the less likely you are to overeat, right?

After all, how many times have you overeaten out of...
- Frustration
- Anger
- Depression
- Despair
- Confusion
- Annoyance
- That "Screw it" attitude.  Know where that comes from?  That comes from GIVING UP
because life just ISN'T going 'your way'.